My computer is hot.
It is so fucking hot right now. Not meant to be a Zoolander reference. Also, I had to go back and fix “Zoolander” because my shift key doesn’t work on Z. It never has and i don’t know why. I also had to go back and fix “Z” because i tried use shift again. It originally said “My shift key doesn’t work on .” I have to use Caps Lock. But srsly, this machine is burning up from the inside out.
My Three Professions as a Child
Mind nonsense they said. Not real they claimed. Fuck you I said to them, in my second grade attitude, forcing them to communicate with my hand. I already knew were I was headed, age eight and future planned, check mate. Most people will go through their time here not knowing what the hell they want to do or how to do it, so I felt lucky knowing at such a young age how I could leave my mark. So here it is, my non-fortuitous trip through childhood.
I spent three years of my youth locked in a soda machine. Sure, tell me I’m kidding, I wont answer. Best plan ever. Sit and wait for them to insert dollar bills into me, and when it came time to vend them their beverage, nope, no refreshments for you today. Free money, yup, thank you please. How do I lose, thats right, I don’t. After about a year I did get rather hungry though, solution, dug an underground tunnel from the soda machine to the vending machine. How, obviously using the aluminum cans from the soda machine as tiny shovel scoopers. Three months later, goal achieved, welcome to the wonderland confined behind the glass barrier. It was at this point when I was discovered by a fellow classmate who spotted me behind the translucent vending machine, but when he went to tell everyone no one believed him, who would believe such a tale? So I quickly scampered back to my safety zone that was the soda machine and continued to steal dollars from those not expecting it, occasionally letting a can go by so as not to raise suspicion. At the end of my third year it was my time to retire from the business, so I pocketed my $43 and Alex Macked myself out the drop slot. Phase 1 check.
Fantasy, not in the least, second phase… well you’ll have to check in again wont you.
In RE to the mystery of the pickleler
In this situation, the central question at hand, the one upon which the entire issue turns is the following: why would one steal a pickle when he already has an entire jar?
If indeed we are dealing with a person who is stealing pickles despite already having an entire jar, we can assume that he or she has already eaten all of the pickles in his or her jar and, not satisfied, must steal to satiate his appetite. Indeed the fullness or emptiness of the jar is unknown but, since we are not from mars, we all know that no one desperate enough to steal a pickle would be able resist their own pickle jar. Therefore, we certainly cannot assume that the culprit has a weak stomach, rather we cannot escape the fact that this person has a remarkable constitution when it come to the consumption of pickles and their inescapable juices. it also follows, then, that the pickle pincher would probably be invited to all parties as one who is capable of eating that many pickles could only be totally fucking awesome and the life of the party. While this may seem to broaden the pool of suspects beyond the scope of possibility, i will show that it, in actuality, the culprit is obvious.
one who posses the intestinal fortitude to consume such an unspeakable quantity of pickles most likely believe that he can also consume large, even revolting, quantities of other difficult-to-eat foods. in light of this irrefutable fact i submit the following video for your careful consideration.
As this video clearly shows, the unknown man displayed in the video believed he could eat all of the hot peppers on the plate. A person who thinks he can complete this feat must have reason to believe it. what better reason to believe this than to be capable of eating more than an entire jar of pickles? The man before you in the video is the guilty party.
Anyone who knows the identity of whereabouts of this criminal is encouraged to submit the name on this blog. There is no reward.
The Creative Process Inaction
B.J.: i want to write something for the blog but am totally blanking on ideas. any suggestions?
Ryan: write about why pandas are secretly taking over the world with the help of the power juice that comes from gushers
kategunts asked: Who stole the pickle from the pickle jar?
Kate, from the internet raises quite an interesting question.
Who did steal the pickle from the pickle jar? But, why steal one pickle when you have a jar of them is what we want to know! Who does not love the sweet sweet nectar juice that the pickle provides. One pickle is hardly enough to satisfy any sane stomach, so why didn’t the culprit take the whole jar… well yes, we will accept the case. This obviously narrows the search down quite a bit, since now we are looking for someone who has digestive problems and can not physically handle the presence of more than one pickle inside of them at any given point in time. First off, this is severely unsettling that we have a pickle thief out amongst us, and secondly what a nightmare not being able to take on more than one pickle at a time. Ok, so now that our search has been narrowed down due to physical parameters we have to look into the underlying mental causes as well. We are sure that the party involved is certainly only one person and they have no friends, therefore they truly are not a party at all nor would ever be invited to one of ours because seriously who doesn’t want to share their pickles with their friends. Every party requires you share your pickle with at least one other person. So we can conclude that they have digestive problems and no friends, which leads us to believe that they do not have the capacity to comprehend the seriousness of the predicament that they have put themselves in. Pickle thievery is not something that we take lightly here, nobody should touch another mans pickle without permission, its just not kosher… but even if if it was kosher it still is not acceptable behavior. So although we do not know exactly who this culprit is we have certainly narrowed it down. All in all we can conclude that this nabber of fine delicatessen will surely meet their end when we eventually catch them, pump their blood full of pickle juice, making the stench come out their pores, making them suffer through the wrath of the pickle stench, which will lead them to slowly morph into the very slithering slimester that they told. And we shall all enjoy the magnificent pickle that we have created, sharing amongst all our friends because we… know how to party.
Your Weekly Animalscope
Congratulations friends this is the week of the camel. Welcome to the start of your humpy funky makeover for this year. It is open season in the humping world so it’s time for you to get out there and let thou humps be known. Don’t let your humping get lost in the pack amidst those whose humps are flat or they are too soft. Everybody needs a solid hump and you camels are the ones to show them what true humping is all about. I mean you guys really know how to let people ride you and take heavy loads on your back. So don’t be afraid to bear a friends or an acquaintences overwhelming load this week, for you surely have the right to hit them back with a load of your own. Happy humping!
Wouldn’t the world be a better place if everyone was always running around wearing gym socks on wood floors?
—We said it, you read it
tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?
Well here is the thing, if we were on our planet then there would not be a place that we would most like to visit because we would not favor any one location over another, however we would travel to each location of our planet via water-slide. It would certainly be the most efficient and least expensive way to travel. First of all, Bj and I have just eliminated the frustrations of traffic, have you ever seen someone unhappy on a water slide, nope, we thought not. Even if there was a body jam on the long wet tube, hey, enjoy the scenery! Ok ok, if we had to choose where we would most want to take these tunnels and half-pipes of pure excitement, it would have to be the Eggo Waffle factory. A water-slide would take you through the factory and along your tour there would be waffle sundae stations. Yea, ice-cream, waffles, and water-slides all in one. We would visit the factory every morning for breakfast, where we would gain our necessary calories in order to fulfill our daily adventures on the wonderous slipperiest of slides, that is our transportation system.
